This article, reprinted here with with the permission of its author, originally appeared in Completely Different on January 22, 1992.

Add spice to any party... You're back at Penn State, Winter Break was ghastly, and now it's back to classes. Choose your own adventure as you attempt to get the semester under way. DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE STRAIGHT THROUGH. Stop at each decision and follow the directions for the choice you make. Several endings are possible, so if you don't like the result the first time, start again!

1. Classes start tomorrow, and you realize you have no textbooks. You've also realized that you've scheduled for two 8 o'clock classes, a 5 hour lab on Saturday, and 3 evening classes. Do you:

Go to Shields? Go to #4
Go buy books? Go to #17

2. You settle down to another boring semester of avoiding your roommate, researching papers and snoozing through your 8 o'clock classes. Ho hum.

3. You tell her you've already paid tuition. She tells you to bring a copy of your receipt to the bursar. You say okay. Unfortunately, you were lying. Do you:

Call the bursar with a funny accent and claim to be a psychic? Go to #13
Play the lottery? Got to #8

4. Huge lines snake across the room. What a way to spend the best years of your life. But it's either that or...hey what about the telephone drop/add system? Do you:

Wait in line? Go to #7
Go home and try the phone? Go to #12
Go see "Hook"? Go to #11

5. Your advisor listens to your plight and say, "You've got some problem, Hsueh Tsaowu." That is not your name. Do you:

Go mad? Go to #20
Give up? Go to #9
Go see "Hook"? Go to #11

6. The magic bean sprouts by mid-afternoon. It bears a note inviting you to a Monty Python video party with the president of the Monty Python Society. Do you attend?

Yes. Go to #16
No. Go to #2

7. After upwards of 30 minutes in line, you reach the front. The ladies behind the window are dresses like penguins. They tell you you're in the line for fresh fish. Do you:

Accept the fish? Go to #14
Try the telephone system? Go to #12
Go buy books? Go to #17
Go mad? Go to #20

8. You play the lottery, hoping that the right combination of numbers will solve all of your problems. The announcer for the Daily Number reads your number!! But he warns you that money can cause problems. Do you:

Accept the winnings? Go to #10
Forfeit the winnings? Go to #18

9. You give up. The university is just too messed up for you to bother with. You drop out and become a monk in the Holy Order of the Great Prophet Zarquon.

10. You accept the winnings, pay off your tuition, and party all weekend. With no more money problems, you know you don't have to stay in school. But now that you don't have to worry about getting a job, you don't need to worry about grades either. You can finally tell those dusty profs what you think of them. That is, if you ever get your course schedule figured out (End here or return to #1 to begin again).

11. You settle for some matinee entertainment. Kids pelt you with ju-ju beans as you watch the film. Afterwards, buoyed by the happy ending, you are leaving the theatre when you encounter the president of the Monty Python Society. She invites you to a Monty Python video party that evening. Do you go?

Yes. Go to #16
No. Go to #2

12. The telephone drop/add system is busy for over an hour. When you finally get through, you find out that you are enrolled as a foreign graduate student in Policy Analysis. Do you:

Contact your advisor? Go to #5
Contact Shields? Go to #19

13. You impress the bursar with your psychic knowledge of the university (in actuality, you gleaned the info from your student handbook). You convince him that he will have good luck if he waives your tuition. He does!! You:

Celebrate by seeing "Hook". Go to #11
Stay home. Go to #2

14. You accept the fish. Inside on of the haddocks is a magic bean. Do you plant it?

Yes. Go to #6
No. Go to #2

15. Why are you reading this? None of the questions tell you to go to #15! What a sneaky person you are! Go back to building bombs.

16. You attend the video party and enjoy yourself immensely. You've met some new friends who make you laugh. The group decides to band together to fight for truth, justice, and the integrity of pink fuzzy things. You suddenly know everything will be alright.

17. All of your texts are brand new editions and over $50 apiece! This could devastate your bank account. Besides, you don't know if you really want to take Qualitative Business Analysis...again. Do you:

Go to Shields? Go to #4
Go see "Hook"? Go to #11

18. You forfeit the winnings, you sod. Fortunately, your ticket comes up in the Cinderella lottery and you win enough for one semester of tuition (after taxes). But then it's back to classes -- no cruise, no new stereo, no brand new sports car. A word of advice: Never listen to guys who get paid to pull ping pong balls out of fishbowls.

19. The secretary at Shields helps you straighten things out. But she mentions a little matter about an overdue tuition bill. Do you:

Give up? Go to #9
Tell you've already paid? Go to #3

20. Good choice. Will you want wine with that? Icky icky icky patang zuuuuuu-wom! Ni! How about a really fine set of encyclopedias? Land shark! Pbthhlhhhhhhhh!