Daring adventurers brave the heights of Mount Pattee by Alyce Wilson, from Completely Different, 1992 (drawing by Mark Sachs) On a beautiful Penn State afternoon (translation: drizzling and overcast), a group of brave explorers (translation: outpatients) made the umpteenth annual trek up the twin peaks of Mount Pattee. This was accomplished by turning gravity 90 degrees, which makes the climb much more challenging (otherwise, we'd be climbing horizontally, which is silly). The first leg of the journey, from Pollock Road to Base Camp A, is the easiest part of the climb. Conditions were quite dangerous, however, due to the dampness and drizzle. Several life-threatening avalanches (translation: people throwing blades of grass) were weathered without major incident. The late, Cheese-Grated Kzin (Mrs.), a.k.a. Jon Kilgannon, sustained interview burns from his constant opinion polls, which were no more annoying than the constant presidential

polls for the coming election (translation: extremely annoying). Approximately 10 yards from Base Camp A, Mr. Simpson (French, is it?), a.k.a. Carl Haicken, shattered both his calves. But due to bravery and poor planning, he agreed to continue the climb.

At Base Camp A, the party rested, ate provisions, and engaged in whatever nuptial agreements people found necessary. Carl Haicken immediately married Mr. Simpson (translation: himself), and as a mail-order priest, I now pronounced him "a really sick human being."

Rob Lindsay decided not to marry Attila the Dead, a.k.a. Steven Gradess, but asked if he could kill him instead. Seems that Rob had suffered quite a few bad head injuries (translation: puns), compliments of Attila the Pun.

When asked his opinion on the climb so far, Ed Gruberman, a.k.a. Neale Lanigan, said, "Owwww!"

Before leaving Base Camp A, we were joined by Leader Desslok, a.k.a. Mark Sachs. He was lowered in from a Kzin-powered helicopter, and he approached us WALKING PERPENDICULAR TO THE FORCE OF GRAVITY (translation: normally).

The next assault was particularly dangerous. We had to ascend a steep overhang, aided only by our upper arm strength (translation: our imaginations) and a length of rope. Rob scrambled up first to secure the grappling Spam, and then we were off (translation: up). Seems a few of us could have used the anti-gravity tape Mr. Simpson was carrying, as here was where many injuries occurred. I broke my leg, to which the medic (Mark) replied, "Frac-tured tibia, sergeant? Fractured tibia, sergeant?" and mumbled about what a wimp I was. He splinted it according to the best medical procedures (translation -- masking tape and some twigs), and I was given painkillers (translation: a green jellybean) and LifeSaving Pez (translation: LifeSaving Pez).

Holli also took some Pez, and we had a lengthy discussion about all the pretty colors. I believe we laughed at Chainsaw the Great, a.k.a. Jean Prior, when her spleen exploded (well, it was funny).

We proceeded towards Base Camp B. Our next obstacle was a sheer rockface, which Mr. Simpson vaulted with grace, despite having all bones broken from the waist down. He claims that the painkillers were doing him wonders.

Due to a temporary lapse of gravity, Leader Desslok fell UP the face of Mount Pattee, sustaining minor injuries.

Attila the Pun became Attila the Dead somewhere between Base Camps A and B. He later claimed to have suffered from "death, broken nose, insanity, mostly death, death, death, death, baked beans and death" (sorry, baked beans are off). The dreaded (or shall I say DEAD-ed) punster then joined the late Jon Kilgannon in tormenting the climbers. In order to conform to health standards, they took turns wearing a big, red label reading "I AM ALREADY DEAD." During periodic moments of boredom, they changed their condition to alive, back to dead again, and finally to insane.

El Presidente, a.k.a. Cathy Nelson, received no injuries due to Presidential immunity. She flaunted a new medicine to use against the Maneating Petunias, a special molecular variation of water. Dr. Science spoke up, "I seem to be getting a premonition... something about the petunias and the water ammunition we shall use on them... Probably unimportant."

By now, Rob Lindsay was dead (translation: had to bugger off and go to a meeting), and Ed Gruberman was suffering from Pez Deficiency Syndrome and shredded knees and hands (Owww!)

Shortly before the Maneating Petunias, Holli sprouted wings and began to fly up the mountain (translation: got tired of crawling and pretended to be a bird).

Reaching the Maneating Petunias before the rest of the party, The Late, Cheese-Grated Kzin (Mrs.) used the secret weapon on the monster flowers. For some strange reason that will baffle scientists for years to come, the Maneating Petunias were NOT killed by the water solution. Instead, they were strengthened by it, and our gutsy warriors received multiple mutant flower bites and punctures.

After dog-legging around the petunias (some more literally than others), the party took another rest at the coincidentally-named rock feature, Base Camp B. Leader Desslok and his faithful sidekick General Kript decided to speed up the ascent by using the Wave-Motion Gun to propel themselves up the mountain (after first destroying the remainder of the nasty petunias). The recoil successfully carried them up the mountain, and they secured a rope for the rest of us.

The final obstacle was a phenomenon rare in nature — a steep overhang that alternated horizontal and vertical surfaces (translation: the steps of the library). The miraculous plot device, the Umbrella of Rassilon, came in handy here to levitate a human chain to the top. HUZZAH! At the last moment Mark died heroically and was reincarnated in New Jersey (quote: "What a rotten afterlife.") We left a permanent marker of our climb (translation: Kzin squirted "MPS" in water on the library).