The Mall Climb
Give me a large enough lever, and a place to stand, and I will move the earth."
- Archimedes

"Gravity is a harsh mistress."
- The Tick

It all started out innocently enough with a little Monty Python sketch called "Climbing the North Face of the Uxbridge Road". In it, a mountaineering Graham Chapman tries to...well, climb the north face of the Uxbridge Road. Complete with carabiners, rope, pitons and hammers, Chapman continues to scale the pavement while a BBC crew looks on in befuddlement. Not since Sir George Head attempted to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro has a sillier expedition been made.

Not, that is, until the Penn State Monty Python Society decided to recreate Chapman's efforts each spring by climbing the Mall in front of Pattee Library.

With little more than a tin of grappling Spam, life-saving Pez and mint-flavored dental floss, these brave loonies choose to defy the laws of physics and ignore gravity each year, bewildering some and being largely ignored by others.

The rules of the annual Mall Climb are quite simple:

  • Gravity is inverted 90°, turning the usually flat surface of the Mall into the Mount Everest of Happy Valley, PA.
  • By using the Spam and floss as a grappling hook (and any available twigs and branches as pitons), the climbers can overcome this obstacle and inch along to the top.
  • Pavement and sidewalks ice over and can be easily glided across.
  • Saying "semprini" will cause everyone to lose their grip and fall back down Mt. Pattee.
  • Pez, however, will magically enable the climbers to fly. Honest.
  • If necessary, make up new rules as we go along.
Why, you may very well ask, do they do it? Why, year after year, do they continue to climb with their silly knees-bent crawling about advancing behavior, with their Pez dispensers and canned meats and waxed dental hygiene products, getting their clothes dirty and getting strange looks from passersby? Why, indeed, climb Mount Pattee at all?

"Because it's there," said one past mountaineer on condition of anonymity. "And because silliness is its own reward."

To quote John Cleese, "it's all a bit zany - you know a bit madcap funster..." At the very least, it keeps these loons occupied and off the street.

Here, then, are the records of some our previous climbs:

  • 1989:
     Damon Buckwalter, Paul Farkas, Jen Hoffman, Dave Hrencin, Scott Kane, Don Klees,
    Ian Podraza, Matt Pyson, Jennifer "Jake" Spangler, L.J. Sparvero, Alyce Wilson, Andy Wilson

  • 1990:
     Jon Acheson, Damon Buckwalter, Jenny Hoffman, Meg Jeffery, Jon Kilgannon, Abner Mintz,
    Sadie O'Deay, Matt Pyson, L.J. "Trotsky" Sparvero, Peter "Pierre" Stanton, Brian Tepper,
    Pete Uoth, Holli Weisman, Alyce Wilson, Andy Wilson

  • 1992:
     Steven Gradess, Carl Haicken, Jon Kilgannon, Neale Lanigan, Rob Lindsay, Cathy Nelson,
     Jean Prior, Mark Sachs, Holli Shan, Alyce Wilson

  • 1993:
     Joe Foering, Neale Lanigan, Suzanne Moskalski, Andrija Popovic, Jean Prior,
    E. Bernhard Warg, Alyce Wilson

  • 1996:
         Kim Boyer, Fred Coppersmith, Ellie Owens, E. Bernhard Warg

  • 1997:
         Kim Boyer, Fred Coppersmith, E. Bernhard Warg

  • 1999:
         Kim Boyer, Fred Coppersmith, Mendel Schmiedekamp

  • 2001:
         Brad Blinkhorn, Victor Colonna, Fred Coppersmith, Veronica Kalyna, Matt Rudy

  • 2002:
         Fred Coppersmith, Marc Fiddler, Robin Hetzal

  • 2003:
         Josh Albert, Fred Coppersmith, Evan Driscoll, Rebecca Frier, Matt Rudy, Shay --, Armin Wetzel

  • 2004:
         Josh Albert, Kim Cicconi, Fred Coppersmith, Evan Driscoll, Christopher Machen

Home | Past Events